Hmm…MESSING AROUND! Let’s go deeper.

The question:

“You are in a relationship with a guy but you want to break up. Everything looks good, your parents are okay with it, both families are okay with it. This is because you two are involved in sinful acts or “messing around” (not fornication) which you two have not made up your mind to change and your family or parents don’t know about this. You want to be chaste and stay pure till marriage and also you do not want to wait for this to be affecting your spiritual life before you stop. He is a christian too but he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. How should you break up? How will you explain to him that you do not want to be involved anymore?”

Let me first acknowledge that this post may push a few buttons and rub people the wrong way, but I’m not here to judge you. I’m simply here to give you some information on a topic that I feel is important to address.

Let’s just say that if you’ve been messing around, you are no longer pure. You may still be a “virgin”, if that, but pure, you are not. The meaning of purity is to be completely clean, without blemish, and to be innocent among other definitions. Think of it like you do water. When water is filtered, it is pure or clean, supposedly. If little bits of dirt get into the water, it’s already assumed to be dirty or no longer clean. The same applies to you. If a man has been putting his hands and other body parts on you in a sexual manner and vice versa, you are not considered pure. You can always re-dedicate yourself to God and start over, however, in this day and age it is very hard to maintain that, but it is not impossible.

Purity is not just in regards to sex, it’s with your thoughts, your actions, what you see and hear, and etc. It’s with everything. In our generation, I kind of feel like purity does not exist. Everything you see on TV, the internet, the radio, etc., is always referring to sex or being sexy, and just intimacy on various levels. You really have to work hard to filter what is entering your eyes, ears, and ultimately your mind. Because we are so exposed to this, I feel that we have pretty much become desensitized and so we don’t think of it as a big deal, myself included. We just call it a part of life. When purity is concerned, we are supposed to be blameless. We can use “parental blocks” on our internet and TV if we really wanted to filter these images out, but then we would be limited to children’s shows, TBN, and other shows of that nature, and so I can guarantee that most of us wouldn’t even try it or else we would be out of the loop with things that are going on in the “world”. I’m not saying you are less of a Christian if you don’t do this, I’m simply bringing it to your attention and also to mine.

Breaking up is not easy to do, but it is necessary. The bible says that you will be responsible for your own sin and that you will also be responsible for those who you LED to sin against God. The moment you dip into the river of messing around, you will not be able to stop unless you break up with that individual or separate yourselves. It will continue because you will always want to have that euphoric feeling and so will your mate. The same way folks get addicted to sex and the people that give it to them, you will also get addicted to messing around, and it’ll only get more and more serious as you later find out that those not so intense sessions need to get to the next level and the next level so that you can feel a bit more satisfaction. You will continue to disguise it as not being sex, although it basically is, just so you can feel better about the act. Messing around includes and is not limited to oral sex on both ends, but unfortunately, we’ve conditioned our minds to believe that since it isn’t the “actual” act of sex that we learn about in our textbooks, then it’s not sex. Boy, are we so wrong. IT’S THE SAME THING!

Messing around is so dangerous, because the purpose is to receive pleasure without biologically having sex, which would be the penis entering the vagina. This makes it so dangerous because you will find any creative way to reach that pleasure and you WILL be successful in doing so. The greater issue is that it doesn’t end there, you become bored and you add more techniques and ideas until you reach your utmost level of pleasure, which you WILL reach without even noticing. That would be defined as an orgasm.

The worst thing about it is this: Speaking to the woman-just because I don’t really know what sensation the man feels- but when you have sex, your purpose for having it is so that you can reach an orgasm, which is the ultimate level of pleasure. Some of you may or may not feel this, or you just may not know what the ultimate pleasure is supposed to feel like. Well, let me tell you. As it was nicely put by my cousin, it’s the feeling of “electrocution in your body”. LITERALLY. If you are having that feeling, then forget the fact that you’re still biologically a “virgin”; you’re basically engaging in sex. Well, not basically. YOU ARE HAVING SEX. You’re fornicating. That was the very thing you THOUGHT you weren’t doing, but it turns out that you are and have been. Whether you want to believe it or not, you are having sex. It may not be the conventional way, but you are still getting the end result. You don’t want to do that. I say this because when you actually engage in biological sex, you will be looking forward to a particular feeling, not realizing that it was the same feeling you were having while you were “messing around”. It takes away from that moment being a special one as a “virgin”. Let your first time be special. Don’t let it waste away simply because you want to mess around and continue messing around. Don’t let all of that hard work of preserving your virginity go to waste.

It’s never too late to stop as long as you are firmly making up your mind to actually STOP. No ifs, and or buts, and no special conditions. Focus your relationships on actual memories that can be achieved by engaging in outside activities or activities with friends. Remember, none of this can be done without the help of God. Make it your daily goal to pray, seek His face, and receive and act upon His guidance as you go on in your pursuit for holiness. He’ll never let you down.  In 1 Corinthians 10:13, the bible tells us that “13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” Don’t stay inside and get caught messing around. Your virginity can be likened to that of a flower. Think of how delicate that flower is. With each wind blow(messing around), you allow a petal to drop to the ground. If all of your petals fall down, the essence of your virginity is pretty much taken away. Let’s protect our flowers.

So, let’s get back to the question. You say that you don’t want it to affect your spiritual life, however, what you may not realize is that it has already done so. Sin is separation from God. If you’ve engaged in messing around, I’m sure you can agree that it has not brought you closer to God. You may think that everything seems okay, however, you may not realize that you probably won’t hear God’s voice so distinctly anymore. Your spirit may be much more quieter if He still decides to remain within you. I’m not sure how deep you’ve gotten with messing around, but make it a point to stop and to rekindle your relationship with Christ. If you have a friend that has told you their likes and dislikes, yet you continue to live your life doing things that they dislike, I’m sure they wouldn’t engage you anymore, let alone be your friend. Think of it that way. God will always love us and come to our aid, but let’s not forget that God HATES sin. You may not want to acknowledge that it is a sinful act, but if you can’t acknowledge it boldly to a “Man of God” or even your parents, then it’s something that you know you shouldn’t do.

Sidenote: That brings me to another issue which is kind of off topic. Why is it that we give so much value to our Pastors and church leaders? Yes, they are important, but when it comes to matters of sin, we would rather not have our church find out and then we fail to realize that it’s God’s feelings and opinions that matter most. When we get ourselves into sin, we forget that God is ALWAYS watching and doesn’t necessarily need your confession in order to know what sins you are engaging in. God is the only judge! I feel that if we could recondition our minds to NOT disappoint God, we would probably make a better effort to do right in God’s eyes.

Back to the question, once again. How should you break up? Your mate will only consider something important if you show him through actions that it is important. You can say that you don’t want to mess around, but if you waver the moment he grabs your hand and says “let’s go”, he will never think remaining “pure” is what you really want. You really need to be firm and let him know that you don’t want to engage in messing around anymore. Show him that you’re serious by avoiding situations where you guys are alone in a room or an apartment, hotel, etc. If you show him through actions that you really don’t want to do it, he’ll get it, and if he loves you, he’ll make the effort to make sure that you guys don’t mess that up. If he just doesn’t get it, open the bible up to him. You should do this regardless since you say he’s also a “Christian”. Leviticus 5:17 says, “17 “Suppose you sin by violating one of the Lord’s commands. Even if you are unaware of what you have done, you are guilty and will be punished for your sin.“. Let your mate know that even if he doesn’t believe it’s wrong, although it is, it won’t keep him from suffering the consequences of his actions.

If he absolutely refuses, then he’s not really concerned with what you find to be important, and if he’s a Christian, that’s even more of a red flag especially because he is disregarding something that God is not a fan of. In this case, just be honest. Let him know that you don’t want to engage in such activities any longer because you want to get closer to God and you feel that engaging in those activities will not allow you to do so. You need to be firm and let him know that you’re very serious about your decision, and you hope that he understands and also chooses to make a change. He may not understand, but that’s okay. The Holy Spirit works on us individually at different times. Your life and your decisions are between you and God, you don’t owe anyone else an explanation. Your heaven is more important.

God loves you.

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