Let’s just keep it a … SECRET!

The question:

“So I met this guy in church and we starting dating December 2016. It’s been few weeks now. We hope to have a Christ centered relationship and we are working on that. How best can we keep this relationship on the low because we are in the same church? We have only informed those who are supposed to know at this point so they act as our guide. How am I also certain he is the right one? I have known him for almost 3 years now. I usually see him on Sundays at church because we are both busy at the moment pursuing other things aside working in banks(you know how tedious that is).”

First things first, you mentioned that you “hope” that you guys will have a Christ-centered relationship, but let me encourage you to change your vocabulary. You should instead say that you guys “WILL” have a Christ-centered relationship and continue to use that language. I say that because with the word “hope”, you almost leave the possibility of not making so much of an effort. If it doesn’t go on the correct route, you’ll simply say that you “thought” you could or that you “tried”. So, take a moment to change your vocabulary. What you speak into existence backed by faith will definitely come to pass.

So back to the question, you guys have been together for a few weeks and want to keep the relationship on the down-low. Something like this is very hard to do. I think many of us have realized that when we like someone, we tend to give them a lot more attention than we would like. We go on to talk about them a lot, try to be in the same places at the same time, even in the church, and we ALWAYS tend to look at them a lot more than we would if we didn’t like them. All these things basically give you out, and if someone is paying close-enough attention, they’ll begin to muster up some suspicion, and they’ll find a way to prove whether or not they are right. Think of it this way; when you know you’ve done something wrong and no one knows about it, but somehow, you think that someone has got you figured out and has discovered or will discover whatever it was that you did wrong, you start to behave in a way that makes you look guilty. On the inside, you feel like someone is watching you, when in reality, they aren’t. It’s called your conscience. That’s what happens when you try to hide something. You end up getting caught just because your mind begins to play tricks on you when things are actually fine, and in turn, your actions of being overly cautious end up making you look as if you’ve done something wrong.

The only thing you can really attempt to do is completely ignore each other. The key word is ATTEMPT. You mentioned that you guys have been friends for three years, and so maybe you should continue to act as friends, but like I mentioned, because the status between the two of you have changed, your actions will also change, and it will give you out. Ignoring each other or trying to act normal may only hurt your relationship. In the end, you guys will get caught in confusion. You will act a certain way in public and one of you will mistake it as a sign of disrespect at some point and things will just start to get dicey due to misinterpretation while trying to keep things a secret from others. You’ll end up putting an end to your relationship all because your main focus was to keep it from getting out to everyone.

In the statement above, you also mentioned that you guys only see each other on Sundays. This is due to having other things going on. I’ve mentioned in many posts that you don’t have to be in a relationship. It’s not mandatory. If you know that you don’t have the time for the relationship, don’t get in one. The moment you decide that you’re not going to put time into something that matters, you’re giving the relationship the poison it needs to die off. Look at it this way; if you purchase a nice plant from Walmart or use a seed of your own to grow a plant, you need to cultivate it and you may not need to water it every single day, but the moment you stop giving it sunlight and an adequate source of water, it WILL begin to wither and eventually die off. I’m sure a number of us have received flowers as a gift for a birthday, valentine’s day or just because. Some of us may place the flowers in a vase or just leave it in the plastic wrap, but if we fail to change the water and give it plant food when needed, it eventually dies. It may take a few days or a bit beyond a week or two, but the plant will die. The same will happen to your relationship if you don’t give it the time and care it needs.

So, when it comes to keeping things a secret about your relationship, I just say you should act normal, but not so lovey-dovey when folks are around. You should keep that to yourselves when you decide to spend some quality time together. When it comes to social media and posting photos there, you may want to stay away from putting photos of the two of you there, especially if you don’t normally do that. The moment a photo goes up, it says more than a thousand words, and the word “dating”, etc., will definitely pop up. I’m not encouraging you to hide your relationship, but I’m also not telling you to put it up in the headlines. Use discretion with the things that you do and you should be fine. Don’t allow people to coerce information out of you in the name of being “friendly”; they just want your business. If they are persistent, simply refer them to 1 Thessalonians 4:11, “mind your business and lead a quiet life”.

When it comes to knowing whether or not he’s the one, take a look at this post: Finding Him: Is he the one? As I mentioned in another post, if you have doubts or second thoughts about someone, then you most likely already know the answer to your question.

God loves you.

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